Nowadays is so easy to get addicted to substances or certain behaviors. Form alcohol and drug addiction to a TV show on Netflix (binge watching). Some are more socially acceptable than others but that doesn’t make it less harmful. As an overeater, binge eater and a bulimic, (I am also an Al-Anon) I am a person with many compulsions. Constantly I have to watch my behaviors since they could easily turn into habit.
As I was turning to taking pills, fasting and vomiting after my binges, my relationship with the scale changed. Initially I weighed myself weekly. But then I start doing it daily. I was so concerned I would gain weight after my binges that I had to know what was going on. Then I started weighing myself in the mornings and nights. Then after drinking water or using the bathroom. I was out of control. I got obsessed with the numbers. But it did not matter how low they were, they weren’t low enough to help my self-steam. On the contrary, it would lower it. In a matter of weeks my identity changed, I was no longer myself but 180 or 178 pounds. That’s how I started seeing myself. I could not stand see my own image in the mirror (it is still hard sometimes). I tried so many times to negotiate with myself and to justify stepping on the scale. The more I stepped on the scale, the worst I felt. No weight loss motivation came from keeping track of my weight.
I was so sick of it. The more stepped on the scale, the more I binge that day. These binges caused more weight gain, and this is what probably started my bulimic behaviors. That’s when I figure that if I use laxatives or take pills the next morning it wouldn’t matter what happened the night before. And it just got worse from there.
Today, I manage to weigh myself once a month. Sometimes I still get that impulse to step on the scale especially when I feel really good about myself. I remind myself daily of my value as a person and not a number. Just like my eating disorders, the stepping on the scale behavior might not go away. I will keep fighting in everyday. Walking little steps to recover.