When I was growing up, I was not allowed to wear certain kind of clothes. Nothing short, or tight, or a two (2) piece set, or without sleeves. No, we were not religious. One of the reasons I couldn’t was that my hidradenitis suppurativa was all spread out through my body. The second reason was because I was already obese probably by the age of ten (10). I got told so many times that the reason I could not wear anything cute was because I was overweight. In a very early age, obesity was used against me. Many times I was told I could be pretty if only I lose some pounds. By the age of thirteen (13) I was wearing clothing from the Women’s section from Kmart (plus sizes). We all know the styles aren’t designed for teenagers.
I have always avoided to wear dresses. As a teenager I had the crazy idea to get married in a suit instead a white and pretty and traditional wedding dress.And I so hated myself when I started to go to bridal stores to looking for one many years after. It felt so un-natural to me…
Spending outrageous amount of money on a piece of clothing that I would only wear once (and one I would probably hate) did not sounded like a great idea to me. One Saturday, while going to yard sales with my husband, he seen this beautiful and simple wedding dress. Bingo! That was the one. It was not too loud, it was just perfect. For first time in life I wore something that “made me feel beautiful”. At the time I was weighing about 235 pounds and not even that took my joy. I did had to buy a shrug to cover up my hidradenitis suppurativa. I seriously loved it. It was like a miracle to me.
Since then I have wore a dress once. I don’t think I will ever be the dress type girl. I am just grateful that now I have the courage to wear one. I actually feel good in one. Every day is a battle against myself, a debate of how much is my worth; my self-worth. The phycholigical damage is there, is always going to be. It doesn’t mean I have to live like that anymore. Today I can make my own wardrobe choices and feel good about it. I am not perfect at it. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But now I can look at the mirror and love that girl on the dress.