When I was growing up, I was not allowed to wear certain kind of clothes. Nothing short, or tight, or a two (2) piece set, or without sleeves. No, we were not religious. One of the reasons I couldn’t was that my hidradenitis suppurativa was all spread out through my body. The second reason was because I was already obese probably by the age of ten (10). I got told so many times that the reason I could not wear anything cute was because I was overweight. In a very early age, obesity was used against me. Many times I was told I could be pretty if only I lose some pounds. By the age of thirteen (13) I was wearing clothing from the Women’s section from Kmart (plus sizes). We all know the styles aren’t designed for teenagers.
I have always avoided to wear dresses. As a teenager I had the crazy idea to get married in a suit instead a white and pretty and traditional wedding dress.And I so hated myself when I started to go to bridal stores to looking for one many years after. It felt so un-natural to me…
Spending outrageous amount of money on a piece of clothing that I would only wear once (and one I would probably hate) did not sounded like a great idea to me. One Saturday, while going to yard sales with my husband, he seen this beautiful and simple wedding dress. Bingo! That was the one. It was not too loud, it was just perfect. For first time in life I wore something that “made me feel beautiful”. At the time I was weighing about 235 pounds and not even that took my joy. I did had to buy a shrug to cover up my hidradenitis suppurativa. I seriously loved it. It was like a miracle to me.
Since then I have wore a dress once. I don’t think I will ever be the dress type girl. I am just grateful that now I have the courage to wear one. I actually feel good in one. Every day is a battle against myself, a debate of how much is my worth; my self-worth. The phycholigical damage is there, is always going to be. It doesn’t mean I have to live like that anymore. Today I can make my own wardrobe choices and feel good about it. I am not perfect at it. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But now I can look at the mirror and love that girl on the dress.
I must confess I fell off the wagon. Since my daughter’s birthday we can celebration in San Luis I have been eating a bunch of garbage and sugary treats. At the beginning I did he thought it was gonna be a big deal. My Brain justify it real quick. “It’s only to celebrate her birthday” or “She is turning 3 only one”. Well it didn’t turn out as I expected. I was binging and over eating for over a week after we came back home. I bet not know how to go back to my keto meals and regular routine. I gained weight back. 10 pounds to be more specific. It was an untill yesterday “May the forth be with you” when I was able to stay away from everything I I knew I couldn’t have. It was hard. I felt I was sick. My body was against me. I crave sugar and with the products all night long. Even those foods I regularly don’t like. I felt the urge to shovel in my mouth anything and everything that have sugar but I didn’t. I fought it and I told on myself. I talk to my husband and let him know what was I going through. He was patient with me and get me accountable until we went to bed.
As my husband packed his luggage bag this morning before going out of town I expressed to him concerned about me being alone. I’ll be at home with the kids all weekend long. DANGER! Usually that’s when I eat the most. When I’m feeling bored, alone or unattended. Before he left I told on myself again and express my fear to him. He kindly suggested to stay busy and take the kids to a family night in a church nearby. I wasn’t sure at first if I wanted to go. That would involve a little bit of socializing which I don’t feel like doing (I guess these might be side effects from detoxing). But I made the effort and drove there.
All I heard about this event was there was going to be bouncy houses and games for the kids. But Lord have mercy! First thing as you walk in the building a table with all you can eat pizza (with different toppings and it was from Papa Murphy’s), chocolate chip cookies and individual bags of chip awaits you. This was only my second day of sugar and wheat products detox. It was hard, it was very hard to turn away food. Not only because I am not strong in now but think about it it’s free food. There is nothing harder to turn away from but free food. It’ll matter what kind of food it is . It could be any bag of empty calories, but if his free… Heck yeah! And pizza. Are you serious call? Pizza been my favorite demon my whole life. No! I did not eat it my friend but I won this battle.
I know I will struggle with temptations for the rest of my life. But I was thinking about it after I got home and it seems like all you find to eat is carbs. It’s almost like the carb overeating it’s being highly encourage specially to our kids. I work really hard to teach my kids to make better eating choices when. Generally they do pretty good. But what can they do when all the choices they have are between carbs. Not healthy whole carbs, but process ones. Those that helps you to develop an addictive behavior. I fear for them. Hopefully they will understand better as they grow. And maybe by then we will have better choices.