My dear children,
I loved you before I seen you.
I knew you before I met you.
I dreamed you before I had you.
My dear children,
You soften my heart.
You weakened me.
Vulnerable now I am.
My dear children,
You trust me your life.
You rely on my care.
I pray everyday,
I won’t let you down.
My dear children,
Please forgive me,
My lack of knowledge.
Know that all I want,
Is to take care of you.
-Mom (Mrs. B)
Nowadays is so easy to get addicted to substances or certain behaviors. Form alcohol and drug addiction to a TV show on Netflix (binge watching). Some are more socially acceptable than others but that doesn’t make it less harmful. As an overeater, binge eater and a bulimic, (I am also an Al-Anon) I am a person with many compulsions. Constantly I have to watch my behaviors since they could easily turn into habit.
As I was turning to taking pills, fasting and vomiting after my binges, my relationship with the scale changed. Initially I weighed myself weekly. But then I start doing it daily. I was so concerned I would gain weight after my binges that I had to know what was going on. Then I started weighing myself in the mornings and nights. Then after drinking water or using the bathroom. I was out of control. I got obsessed with the numbers. But it did not matter how low they were, they weren’t low enough to help my self-steam. On the contrary, it would lower it. In a matter of weeks my identity changed, I was no longer myself but 180 or 178 pounds. That’s how I started seeing myself. I could not stand see my own image in the mirror (it is still hard sometimes). I tried so many times to negotiate with myself and to justify stepping on the scale. The more I stepped on the scale, the worst I felt. No weight loss motivation came from keeping track of my weight.
I was so sick of it. The more stepped on the scale, the more I binge that day. These binges caused more weight gain, and this is what probably started my bulimic behaviors. That’s when I figure that if I use laxatives or take pills the next morning it wouldn’t matter what happened the night before. And it just got worse from there.
Today, I manage to weigh myself once a month. Sometimes I still get that impulse to step on the scale especially when I feel really good about myself. I remind myself daily of my value as a person and not a number. Just like my eating disorders, the stepping on the scale behavior might not go away. I will keep fighting in everyday. Walking little steps to recover.
- 2 tbsp 100% Cocoa Powder
- 2 tbsp sweetener (stevia)
- 1 egg
- 1 tbsp heavy whipping cream
- 1/4 tsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
- pinch of salt
- 1oz Neufatel cheese
- 1/2 tsp sweetener
- 1/4 tsp heavy whipping cream
Beat the egg in a bowl. Add all the ingredients to the egg and mix well. Spray a mug (make sure is microwave safe) with cooking spray. Add the mixture. Cook in the microwave for 50-60 seconds.
Add the rest of the ingredients to the Neufatel cheese until it gets fluffy. Put on you mug cake.
In my house we go grocery shopping once a week. Lately we have manage to create a weekly menu (my husband and I) and actually stick up with it. Most of out meats from Walmart and the rest of the groceries at ALDI. In this post I want to share some of my favorites. This post will be updated as I find more good stuff.
Spicy or original ALDI has these babies usually for .99 cents. The cheapest bag at Walmart is double the price.
There is a big selection of nuts and seeds. Some packages are mixed and might have extra carbs. But the unsalted peanut and roasted almonds are pretty safe.
This oil is perfect for cooking and delicious to put on coffee. It is organic and and cold-pressed.
Heavy Whipping Cream
This what I use for my coffee when I don’t do the coconut. A whole 16 ounces for less than a couple bucks.
Cheap and great for quick meals
This cream cheese has less carbs than regular cream cheese. Is really good for my low carb brownies.
ALDI has a great selection on cheese. My favorites are Mozzarella string cheesee and Monterrey Jack (block).
Their selection is average but ALDI is honestly the only place I find skirt steak. Chicken is also priced decent.
When I was in high school I wanted to be a writer. It was my dream to be published. There is short stories and poems of mine. My friends used to love reading my stuff. I applied for a literature B.A at the University of Puerto Rico, Cayey where I was accepted. I stupidly turned down the opportunity because of fear of losing a boyfriend. Then I quit writing. So, this is my first poem in ten (10) years. Please acknowledge my native language is Spanish and some of my grammar and spelling are not proper.
After a binge
I feel bad
I feel shame
I feel like a crazy pig
I try to change
Do it hard
I know I'll fail
I have to die
My old self
I need to be
I hate myself
I hate my skin
'Cause like a zombie
I'm slowly in
A pool of mud
I'm sinking in
I want to eat
Your messy stress
I want to run?
I want to pray?
I can't make up
My scary brain
I need a body
A new one to like
I want the strength
To fight for me
You get bombarded with so many fad diets nowadays, it can be discouraging. At least I was. And I spended most of my life trying them alone, together with weight loss pills or extreme exercise. I did lost a total of -28.63 % of fat. But a lot of time was wasted on the wrong diets, ending on yo-yo dieting.
As I mention on the blog post Fad Diets I’ve Tried: Which Ones Didn’t Work? , unhealthy eating was learned at home. This is not the reason I am a bulimic, but it might have been what activated my hereditary binging disorder (BED). I am not blaming my father. To this day, he has no idea of his illness. He is over 60 years old and too concern about other medical conditions to even worry about what enters to his mouth. He will probably leave this earth and not know about it. I have been through a lot of pain and suffering because of my eating disorder. I am really grateful that I was able to see that I have a bigger problem than just liking food too much.
So here I am sharing with you some things that I have found learned with time. They help me on daily basis to battle my binge eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous/Food Addicts Anonymous
Just like Alcoholic Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous is a 12 step program. It is great to know and feel that you are not the only one battling with food. It has help me a lot to create connections with others. I still can’t do a flawless program. This is an honesty program and it God really hard when I had to admit to myself my problems were serious. Even worst to have two admit to my family and a husband that I am a bulimic. I do not follow these programs by the book I simply use a lot of their principles and material. Starting by having a higher power that can help me with my problems. Today I am aware I could not do this on my own.
I probably tried most of the fat diets out there. Every single one lead me to total frustration. Not too long ago I found the ketogenic diet or low carb, high fat diet. At first it did not sound the greatest idea to block my arteries with cholesterol. After a few weeks of research I decided to give it shot. There were too many good reviews and apparently so many benefits it was almost impossible not to consider it. During the first 12 days of keto I lost 10.4 pounds. What? Yes it was unreal to me. I figured I was doing something wrong because of the huge amount of weight loss and weakness I experienced. I almost had to quit but I felt that I could stick up with the ketogenic diet. It seems to be so easy to follow (comparing to other diet I tried) and I always had a meal choice everywhere I went. The results motivated me to do some more research and that’s when I learned I had keto-flu and took care of it quickly.
As a person with a high stress job, I need to find ways to release it. Writing about my feelings, thoughts and actions allows me to see my behaviours (especially the addictive ones). This helps me to be more proactive and cautious about my eating disorders.Now blogging is something new to me.
I am used to write down my feelings but I never shared them before. Believe me, I feel highly vulnerable by writing my experiences and struggles. I know how is it to feel isolated because of the eating disorders. I might have to live with binge eating disorder and bulimia for the rest of my life. But there is relief and recovery for people suffering with these diseases. There is hope.
It is impossible to follow a “perfect diet”. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You are human after all, you won’t be able to keep a perfect diet or a perfect anything else. The faster you accept that fact, the faster you can move on after a binge or a cheat day. If you were in ketosis and decided to eat over 100 grams of carbs you will have to start over. You might also have to go through the keto-flu once again. So here some tips that can help you to get back in track:
Do not panic: Freaking out about what you ate the day before does not help you get back on track. You have to think that we grew up eating differently and there is certain foods that we will always be willing to have again. If you stick up with the ketogenic diet long enough you might discover later that you don’t crave these kinds of food anymore.
Think positively: Remorse after a cheat day or binge is worst than the act. Once you feel guilty about the day before you are more likely to do it again. Try no thinking about it. Keep yourself busy.
Eat your meals: Get back on your routine. Eat your meals as you would eat any other day. Lower your carbs as much as you can handle but try not fasting. It is true that you can fall on ketosis faster by fasting but I suggest to do it any day except right after cheat day/binge.
Drink water: Keep your body hydrated. You might feel hungrier than usual on the day after. Remember your body will be adapting to the low carbs. Make sure you don’t confuse thirst with hunger. And don’t forget to drink at least 64 ounces a day.
Exercise: Physical activity does only have great benefits on your body but it also helps mentally. Exercise can serve you as a stress reliever and to ease depression.
The most important thing the you need to do is to love yourself, to love your body and mind. You are a unique piece. Beautifully handed carved. Keep up taking care of it and never give up.