Recent Changes on my Keto Diet

It’s a great day! Today I tested my ketones and the results show low levels of ketones. Not as high as I want it to be but is a great start considering that I have been eating less that 20mg of carbs for only 8 days. I have only been eating keto for only 12 and weight loss is tangible. I will not weigh-in until the last day of the month in order to my abstinence (having strong impulse on weighing myself several times a day). Keto-flu was not a problem the first few days which it is a huge player in this. Sometime when I get keto-flu it’s so bag I ended up eating carbs (or at least using it as an excuse to fail again).

 

 

But weight loss has not been the only motivator. My sugar and wheat cravings has cease in a very short amount of time. I am a pizza addict/fanatic (call it how you want) and for first time in my life I was able to go to a Pizza Buffet (I know it sounds like entrapment) and I honestly wasn’t thinking about eating any of it. I did not even battle with myself. Believe me when I say, I would never have been able to do that in my non-keto diet life. Not even on my Vegan days. I am so proud of myself!

Here others foods I divorced since they cause me cravings or because is they are hard to track while doing a ketogenic diet.

• Peanuts
• Almonds
• Peanut Butter
• Cakes (even sugar free ones)
• Any processed sugar foods (anything that has real sugar)
• Any wheat product
• Chips
• Popcorn (any kind)

As I keep doing well in my keto experience, I am guess I will keep adding other forbidden foods. Some people commented before that restriction doesn’t work for them. Instead causes them frustration and deprivation feelings which leads to binge eating and yo-yo dieting. In my case my body work different. I am not a person of moderation. I am a all or nothing kind of person. Eating some of these food would lead me to relapse, a circle I have been many times but I won’t be again.

Mrs. B

The Girl on the Dress

When I was growing up, I was not allowed to wear certain kind of clothes. Nothing short, or tight, or a two (2) piece set, or without sleeves. No, we were not religious. One of the reasons I couldn’t was that my hidradenitis suppurativa  was all spread out through my body. The second reason was because I was already obese probably by the age of ten (10). I got told so many times that the reason I could not wear anything cute was because I was overweight. In a very early age, obesity was used against me. Many times I was told I could be pretty if only I lose some pounds. By the age of thirteen (13) I was wearing clothing from the Women’s section from Kmart (plus sizes). We all know the styles aren’t designed for teenagers.

I have always avoided to wear dresses. As a teenager I had the crazy idea to get married in a suit instead a white and pretty and traditional wedding dress.And I so hated myself when I started to go to bridal stores to looking for one many years after. It felt so un-natural to me…

Spending outrageous amount of money on a piece of clothing that I would only wear once (and one I would probably hate) did not sounded like a great idea to me. One Saturday, while going to yard sales with my husband, he seen this beautiful and simple wedding dress. Bingo! That was the one. It was not too loud, it was just perfect. For first time in life I wore something that “made me feel beautiful”. At the time I was weighing about 235 pounds and not even that took my joy. I did had to buy a shrug to cover up my hidradenitis suppurativa. I seriously loved it. It was like a miracle to me.

Since then I have wore a dress once.  I don’t think I will ever be the dress type girl. I am just grateful that now I have the courage to wear one.  I actually feel good in one. Every day is a battle against myself, a debate of how much is my worth; my self-worth. The phycholigical damage is there, is always going to be. It doesn’t mean I have to live like that anymore. Today I can make my own wardrobe choices and feel good about it. I am not perfect at it. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But now I can look at the mirror and love that girl on the dress.

Mrs. B

Free Carbohydrates!

I must confess I fell off the wagon. Since my daughter’s birthday we can celebration in San Luis I have been eating a bunch of garbage and sugary treats. At the beginning I did he thought it was gonna be a big deal. My Brain justify it real quick. “It’s only to celebrate her birthday” or “She is turning 3 only one”. Well it didn’t turn out as I expected. I was binging and over eating for over a week after we came back home. I bet not know how to go back to my keto meals and regular routine. I gained weight back.  10 pounds to be more specific.  It was an untill yesterday “May the forth be with you”  when I was able to stay away from everything I   I knew I couldn’t have.  It was hard. I felt I was sick. My body was against me.  I crave sugar and  with the products all night long. Even those foods I regularly don’t like.  I felt the urge to shovel in my mouth anything and everything that have sugar but I didn’t. I fought it and I told on myself. I talk to my husband and let him know what was I going through.  He was patient with me and get me accountable until we went to bed.

As my husband packed his luggage bag this morning before going out of town I expressed to him concerned about me being alone. I’ll be at home with the kids all weekend long. DANGER!  Usually that’s when I eat the most. When I’m feeling bored, alone or unattended.  Before he left I told on myself again and express my fear to him. He kindly suggested to stay busy and take the kids to a family night in a church nearby. I wasn’t sure at first if I wanted to go. That would involve a little bit of socializing which I don’t feel like doing (I guess these might be side effects from detoxing). But I made the effort and drove there.

All I heard about this event was there was going to be bouncy houses and games for the kids. But Lord have mercy!  First thing as you walk in the building a table with all you can eat pizza (with different toppings and it was from Papa Murphy’s), chocolate chip cookies and individual bags of chip awaits you.  This was only my second day of sugar and wheat products detox.  It was hard, it was very hard to turn away food.  Not only because I am not strong in now but think about it it’s free food. There is nothing harder to turn away from but free food. It’ll matter what kind of food it is .  It could be any bag of empty calories, but if his free… Heck yeah!  And pizza. Are you serious call? Pizza been my favorite demon my whole life. No! I did not eat it my friend but I won this battle.

I know I will  struggle with temptations  for the rest of my life.  But I was thinking about it after I got home and it seems like all you find to eat is carbs. It’s almost like the carb overeating  it’s being highly encourage  specially to our kids. I work really hard to teach my kids to make better eating choices when.  Generally they do pretty good. But what can they do when all the choices they have are between carbs. Not healthy whole carbs,  but process ones. Those that helps you to develop an addictive behavior.  I fear for them. Hopefully they will understand better as they grow. And maybe by then  we will have better choices.

Mrs B

Addicted to the Scale

Nowadays is so easy to get addicted to substances or  certain behaviors. Form alcohol and drug addiction to a TV show on Netflix (binge watching). Some are more socially acceptable than others but that doesn’t make it less harmful. As an overeater, binge eater and a bulimic, (I am also an Al-Anon) I am a person with many compulsions. Constantly I have to watch my behaviors since they could easily turn into habit.

As I was turning to taking pills, fasting and vomiting after my binges, my relationship with the scale changed. Initially I weighed myself weekly. But then I start doing it daily. I was so concerned I would gain weight after my binges that I had to know what was going on. Then I started weighing myself in the mornings and nights. Then after drinking water or  using the bathroom.  I was out of control. I got obsessed with the numbers. But it did not matter how low they were, they weren’t low enough to help my self-steam. On the contrary, it would lower it. In a matter of weeks my identity changed, I was no longer myself but 180 or 178 pounds. That’s how I started seeing myself. I could not stand see my own image in the mirror (it is still hard sometimes). I tried so many times to negotiate with myself and to justify stepping on the scale. The more I stepped on the scale, the worst I felt. No weight loss motivation came from keeping track of my weight.

I was so sick of it. The more stepped on the scale, the more I binge that day. These binges caused more weight gain, and this is what probably started my bulimic behaviors. That’s when I figure that if I use laxatives or take pills the next morning it wouldn’t matter what happened the night before. And it just got worse from there.

Today, I manage to weigh myself once a month. Sometimes I still get that impulse to step on the scale especially when I feel really good about myself. I remind myself daily of my value as a person and not a number. Just like my eating disorders, the stepping on the scale behavior might not go away. I will keep fighting in everyday. Walking little steps to recover.

Fad Diets I’ve Tried: What Works and Keeps Me On Track

You get bombarded with so many fad diets nowadays, it can be discouraging. At least I was. And I spended most of my life trying them alone, together with weight loss pills or extreme exercise. I did lost a total of -28.63 % of fat. But a lot of time was wasted on the wrong diets, ending on yo-yo dieting.

As I mention on the blog post Fad Diets I’ve Tried: Which Ones Didn’t Work? , unhealthy eating was learned at home. This is not the reason I am a bulimic, but it might have been what activated my hereditary binging disorder (BED). I am not blaming my father. To this day, he has no idea of his illness. He is over 60 years old and too concern about other medical conditions to even worry about what enters to his mouth. He will probably leave this earth and not know about it. I have been through a lot of pain and suffering because of my eating disorder. I am really grateful that I was able to see that I have a bigger problem than just liking food too much.

So here I am sharing with you some things that I have found learned with time. They help me on daily basis to battle my binge eating disorder.

Overeaters Anonymous/Food Addicts Anonymous

Just like Alcoholic Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous is a 12 step program. It is great to know and feel that you are not the only one battling with food. It has help me a lot to create connections with others. I still can’t do a flawless program. This is an honesty program and it God really hard when I had to admit to myself my problems were serious. Even worst to have two admit to my family and a husband that I am a bulimic. I do not follow these programs by the book I simply use a lot of their principles and material. Starting by having a higher power that can help me with my problems. Today I am aware I could not do this on my own.

Ketogenic Diet

I probably tried most of the fat diets out there. Every single one lead me to total frustration. Not too long ago I found the ketogenic diet or low carb, high fat diet. At first it did not sound the greatest idea to block my arteries with cholesterol. After a few weeks of research I decided to give it shot. There were too many good reviews and apparently so many benefits it was almost impossible  not to consider it. During the first 12 days of keto I lost 10.4 pounds. What? Yes it was unreal to me. I figured I was doing something wrong because of the huge amount of weight loss and weakness I experienced. I almost had to quit but I felt that I could stick up with the ketogenic diet. It seems to be so easy to follow (comparing to other diet I tried) and I always had a  meal choice everywhere I went. The results motivated me to do some more research and that’s when I learned I had keto-flu and took care of it quickly.

Journalism/Blogging

As a person with a high stress job, I need to find ways to release it. Writing about my feelings, thoughts and actions allows me to see my behaviours (especially the addictive ones). This helps me to be more proactive and cautious about my eating disorders.Now blogging is something new to me.

I am used to write down my feelings but I never shared them before. Believe me, I feel highly vulnerable by writing my experiences and struggles. I know how is it to feel isolated because of the eating disorders. I might have to live with binge eating disorder and bulimia for the rest of my life. But there is relief and recovery for people suffering with these diseases. There is hope.

Mrs. B

Keto: The Day After a Binge or Cheat Day

It is impossible to follow a “perfect diet”. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You are human after all, you won’t be able to keep a perfect diet or a perfect anything else. The faster you accept that fact, the faster you can move on after a binge or a cheat day. If you were in ketosis and decided to eat over 100 grams of carbs you will have to start over. You might also have to go through the keto-flu once again. So here some tips that can help you to get back in track:

Do not panic: Freaking out about what you ate the day before does not help you get back on track. You have to think that we grew up eating differently and there is certain foods that we will always be willing to have again. If you stick up with the ketogenic diet long enough you might discover later that you don’t crave these kinds of food anymore.

Think positively: Remorse after a cheat day or binge is worst than the act. Once you feel guilty about the day before you are more likely to do it again. Try no thinking about it. Keep yourself busy.

Eat your meals: Get back on your routine. Eat your meals as you would eat any other day. Lower your carbs as much as you can handle but try not fasting. It is true that you can fall on ketosis faster by fasting but I suggest to do it any day except right after cheat day/binge.

Drink water: Keep your body hydrated. You might feel hungrier than usual on the day after. Remember your body will be adapting to the low carbs. Make sure you don’t confuse thirst with hunger. And don’t forget to drink at least 64 ounces a day.

Exercise: Physical activity does only have great benefits on your body but it also helps mentally. Exercise can serve you as a stress reliever and to ease depression.

The most important thing the you need to do is to love yourself, to love your body and mind. You are a unique piece. Beautifully handed carved. Keep up taking care of it and never give up.

Mrs. B

 

 

 

 

Fad Diets I’ve Tried: Which Ones Didn’t Work?

I have always been big. Not “fat”, just bigger than the other girls at school. My dad is a think man and my mom is a thin women. I took over my dad’s physical features. Sometimes I hear people saying things like “I remember when I was in high school, I was so skinny”. Well I do not remember those days. I was never thin. As I mention in the last blog post I grew up in a house where overeating was normal. We would just eat when we wanted, as much as we wanted. It was the right thing to do. It was almost the rule. We (my brother and I) would choose out meals and my dad allowed us to have that power. My brother had Chef Boyardee for breakfast, air popped popcorn for lunch, and I would have fried chicken then Sara Lee pound cake topped with ice cream for the same meals. It was freedom.

My dad and I, May 2014

Weight Watchers

After my second baby, I reached the 248 pounds. I probably weighed more than that, but under frustration I avoided the scale. I was not “happy” being “thick” no more. Around the same time I was considering a chance on my eating habits I got a letter from my medical insurance offering a paid for Weight Watcher program. I enrolled and began my weight loss journey. Four (4) months passed since I started the WW program. I have lost 40 pounds so far and I felt like this was the right thing for me. Here was two (2) real problems with the program; One (1) Weight Watcher works as long you go to meetings. Each meeting has a cost of $15, not adding up other singing up fees. At some point in my life, I would feel like I have to be on my own. Some people argue the group support that Weight Watchers provides, but if that’s the only reason I am paying big money to be part of it I might as well go to Overeaters Anonymous. The second (2) problem is that counting points, it really works in a controlled environment (like your home). And yes,they try to give you tools (a book or an app) where you can find or scan food items when you are eating out, but the reality is that food contain calories, not points. This point system from Weight Watchers work for some in a long term, but not for me.

Juicing

Another year passed after quitting WW point program and I have gained all my weight back and more. At that time, there was another famous diet spreading on facebook and other social media sites. Juicing blew up my news feed avery so often that I decided I would watch Joe’s documentary Fat Sick and Nearly Dead, on Netflix. Feeling disgusted, depressed and angry at myself, went out to Walmart to buy a juicer together with the required veggies to make some mean green juice. With  my husband on the same boat as me, I fasted for 6 straight days. At the end of that 6th day we decided together that we weren’t going to do it. Instead, we just made the commitment to each other on eating more salad. That night we went to Pizza Ranch Buffet for dinner.

My mom, dad and I. Often I use this picture to confirm I look like my dad and not my mom. Many people differ.

Vegan Diet

Right after the juice diet, I started eating cleaner. I incorporated more vegetables and fruits to my daily diet. Soon I became a vegetarian, then a vegan. Slowly I lost weight and gained some right back. Pizza, breadsticks, dinner rolls and rice were still in my regular meals. I was also having ice cream, candy bars and a lot of cereal high in sugar. I couldn’t quit having them. I would make up excuses like “It’s just this time” or “Is free pizza, why not?”. I loved my carbs.

Potatoes and Carrot Diet

Soon I heard about this diet when you can eat only potatoes and carrots every meal, every day, all day long. Since potatoes are a complex carb is not as damaging as you would think. Somehow the potatoes and the carrots helped me to lose fewer more pounds. When I hit the 190ish pounds I went crazy and all I could think about was on restricting my diet even more to lose weight faster. I wanted all the results at the moment. Why not?

Relapse

All this time, I was going to Overeaters Anonymous and waiting my time with the diets. I honestly could not recognize how obsessive I was getting with food. I would fight with my husband and kids over good vs. bad food. I was annoying and there was no gray in my life at the time. I keep restricting myself of everything in the world I labeled as “bad” or “unhealthy”. For a year in a half I was losing weight, but I was setting myself up for failure. I was getting compliments constantly about my weight loss, but I still felt fat. Then I knew that I had to do something different.

Mrs. B

Reasons why I binge eat

I have always been a compulsive overeater. I can remember I would eat just because the food was just there. It was a behavior that I learned from my father. Overeating until your stomach aches was highly encouraged at his house. I am certain that there was emotional problems involved also. Some of them I still battle against today.

When I fail (I still have set backs), I try to not feel remorse. Once my emotions are on their place it’s time to sit back and analyze all activities, shortcomings, personalities I dealt with that probably triggered my old behavior.

This post is a list for you. I want you read through them and if you can identify some as yours, to use the awareness as a weapon. To be more diligent next time it occurs. This post is also for me, as a reminder. Because I don’t want to forget (and I won’t) who I was when I was in full flesh addiction.

These are the reasons I binge;

• I am tired
• I am stressed out
• I am worried
• I am excited
• I had a conflict with someone
• I had a conflict within
• I am on my period
• My HS flares (frustrated)
• I am eating alone
• My food plan for the day got changed (not by my, not intentionally)
• I feel restricted or I have to many options (like in a buffet)
• Other people is binging near me
• If I eat peanut butter

As I keep learning about myself, I will be updating this post. I believe this is a great way for me to acknowledge that recovery doesn’t happen overnight, but it takes time, courage, perseverance and hope.

Mrs. B

Hello There!

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I have been wanting to start a blog desperately for the last few months. I am not a writer nor a English native speaker. This will be truly a challenge. Please forgive  me for my spelling and grammar in advance.

Mainly I want to keep an account of my struggles as I battle Hidradenitis Suppurativa, binge eating disorder, obesity, and bulimia. All these can make me feel like I am the only one who has these diseases. Secondly, I want to share my testimony with you. To encourage you and invite you to stand firm during this journey called life.

Thank you for being here reading me. I promise I will do my best to keep this blog updated.

Mrs. B